Page 1 of  2

"Gay Hell"

After having died and gone to Hell, Joe is sitting on a rock, depressed. The Devil is passing by, sees Joe, and asks "Why are you so depressed?"


Joe's reply is, "Look, I died, I ended up in Hell, you figure it out!"

"It's not that bad here, you know." says old pointed tail. "You like to drink?"

"Well yeah, I like to get drunk now and again."

"See, every Monday is open bar, all you and drink. How about smoking, any kind of cigar or pipe or tobacco you want on Tuesdays."

"OK. Maybe. I do like a good cigar now and then."

"Good, Good. How about gambling? You like to gamble? Casino Day on wednesdays. And all the Drugs you can do on Thursdays."

"Sounds good." Joe says. "What about Fridays?"

"Well, are you gay?" questions the Devil.

"NO! I AM NOT A GAY!" shouts Joe.

The Devil shakes his head and laughs, "Your gonna HATE Fridays then."

"Down the chest"

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for this Christmas.

"HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"

On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!"

"That's not your chest!" he roars back.

"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest.... AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"

"Condoms"

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they
happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why
there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for
when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and
1 for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?"

The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college.
You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for
Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for.

The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married.
You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one
for....."

Bill Gates dies in a car accident.

He finds himself being sized up by God.  "Well Bill, I'm really
confused on this call.  I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. 
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every
home, yet you created that ghastly Windows 95.  I'm going to do something
I've never done before.  I'm going to let you decide where you want to
go."

Bill replied: "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if
it will help your decision."  "Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill
replied.  God said "I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then" said Bill, "let's  try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. 
It was a clean, sandy beach with clear water and lots of beautiful women
running around, playing in the water,laughing & frolicking about. 
The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is
great. If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven."

His wish was granted.  Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with
angels drifting about, playing harps and singing.  It was nice, but not as
enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.  
"Hmmm.
I think I'd prefer Hell."

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."  So Bill Gates went to Hell. 
Two weeks later, God decided to check on  the late billionaire and see
how he was doing in hell. There was Bill, shackled to a wall screaming
amongst flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.  "How's
everything going?"

Bill responded in an anguished voice. "This is awful. This is nothing like
the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening.What
happened to the other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women
playing in the water?"

"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1.  This is Hell 95."

The Marv Albert Song:

        Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear
        (to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")



        Lacy things - the wife is missin,
        Didn't ask - her permission,
        I'm wearin' her clothes,
        Her silk pantyhose,
        Walkin' round in women's underwear.

        In the store - there's a teddy,
        Little straps - like spaghetti,
        It holds me so tight,
        Like handcuffs at night,
        Walkin' round in women's underwear.

        In the office there's a guy named Marvin,
        He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
        He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!"
        "Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

        Later on, if you wanna,
        We can dress - like Madonna,
        Put on some eyeshade,
        And join the parade,
        Walkin' round in women's underwear!

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:

FIRST THE WOMEN
40-ish............................48
Adventurer................Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic.......................Flat-chested
Average looking.........Ugly
Beautiful................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........Bring your penicillin
Educated.................. College dropout
Emotionally Secure......Medicated
Feminist...................... Fat; ball buster
Free spirit.................. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun............................. Annoying
Gentle........................ Comatose
Good Listener...........Borderline Autistic
New-Age....................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned...........Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded.............Desperate
Outgoing................... Loud
Passionate............... Loud
Poet........................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............ Bitch
Redhead................... Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque.............Grossly Fat
Romantic....................Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous................Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate..........One step away from stalking
Widow...................Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking.........Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............Arrogant bastard
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded.............Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit..........I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

This Page Looks Best With

Click Here to Begin